I went to the Winter Hawks hockey game last night (we won) and as I was going about my business in the restroom after the game, an interesting thing happened.

Let me set the scene: There are five urinals in a row. There are people using the ones on each end. I decide to use the one in the middle, leaving an empty urinal between myself and each of the other two folks there.

Okay, so a fourth guy comes in and chooses the urinal to my left. Now there are (from left to right) two guys, me, an empty urinal, and another guy. Here’s where the interesting thing happens.

The guy to my immediate left (we’ll call him “Bob”) starts talking to the guy to the far left (we’ll call him “Jim”). It went something like this…

Bob: Some game, wasn’t it? Jim: Yup. Glad we won. Bob (gesturing at the Jim’s beer cup sitting on top of Jim’s urinal): You piss in that cup yet? Jim: Nope. Bob: Good.

Now, Bob is doing his business with his wang in his left hand. He proceeds to cross over with his right hand, grab Jim’s beer, and drink it, while he’s peeing.

This prompted me to feel as though there are a few unwritten rules of bathroom etiquette (and general sanitary conduct) that probably need to be written down for the people in the cheap seats. I can’t claim this list to be comprehensive, but here are some of the major ones:

1. Don’t talk to other people in the bathroom unless it’s an emergency, like if you’ve caught yourself on fire.
2. Don’t bring food or drink in the bathroom. The reason it smells like piss is that there are little piss particles floating around in the air.
3. If you absolutely must bring food and/or drink into the bathroom, by all means, feel free to leave them on the counter. Don’t set it on top of the urinal unless you’re trying to play a dirty prank on the owner of the food/drink.
4. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This sounds fairly obvious, doesn’t it? You’d be surprised. I think the “best” reason I’ve heard someone use for not washing their hands was: “If you keep your dick clean, you don’t have to wash your hands.” As if I trust the cleanliness level of someone else’s dick. I think not.
5. If you wipe and somehow miss the toilet when you try to throw the TP in, clean up after yourself. Maybe that’ll teach you to aim a little better. (Don’t forget to wash your hands!!!)
6. Flush. Please, by all that is holy, especially after a particularly foul crap, flush the sonofabitch down. As entertaining as you find it, please believe you’ll be eating that turd if I find you leaving it there and I’m the next to use the toilet.
7. Aim. For the male population, this does require the use of your hand. Maybe both hands. Playing a handheld video game, reading a newspaper, or doing something else that might require you to remove your hand from the aiming position is not an option. I don’t care how “under control” you might think you have things.
8. Don’t touch other people. Even if you’ve washed your hands. If you just took a leak and then stick your hand out to me to shake it, you’re gonna be left hanging. This sort of goes hand in hand with the “no talking” rule. Wait until you’re outside the hallowed hall.
9. Try to minimize the noise level. Sure, sometimes that little extra “grunt” is needed to push the big guy out, but a constant, low-level moaning or other such unnecessary sound is, well, unnecessary. I don’t want to be involved with your business any more than you want to be involved with mine.

I think that pretty much covers it. I’m sure there are others, and I may have to revise this post and add to the list, but for the most part, them’s the rules.