I have a big rant about the show American Idol that this whole post is basically going to be about, but there are a few minor topics that I need to get out of the way before that happens.

First, I noticed that AllPosters.com has a great selection of Mucha art. Brilliance. Anyone who wants to buy me any of that, be my guest. They have not only prints but actual lithographs of the stuff, too. I swear I could go broke on that.

Next, I am starting to make my bi-monthly switch from Kung Fu movies to spy/action movies so last night I was watching Tomorrow Never Dies - not one of the better Bond movies, but it had Teri Hatcher in it, and Pierce Brosnan is my favorite Bond, so I guess I can’t bag on it too badly. Anyway, that got me looking at Amazon, where I am noticing that they’re finally re-releasing the Bond movies on DVD come October 22. I’m going to have to investigate how many Yahoo! Visa points I have and maybe cash in to preorder some of those.

Finally, let it be known that it took me 90 minutes to get home from work yesterday and I only live 14.3 miles away from my place of business. That averages out to 9.5mph. Why? Because there was a car fire that blocked all but one lane of traffic. I couldn’t get off the freeway because by the time I found out what was going on, I was on the inside lane of four lanes of parking lot. Besides which, there were no exits between where I was at and the car fire - only entrances. Great.

I had a sort of epiphany, though, while I was sitting parked in that mess. We should be able to file a class-action-style lawsuit against anyone who does something that holds up traffic on that level. Why? Consider how much was wasted in time and natural resources - I know I burned almost a quarter tank of gas going all of 14.3 miles, and I get good gas mileage. Now consider the amount of time that was lost between all the people who had to sit through that. The idea here is that if people would drive carefully and maintain their automobiles, we would have fewer things like car fires. If everyone caught in that mess could file a class-action suit against the idiot not maintaining their car, the people caught could at least reclaim something for having to sit through that. Insurance companies could offer class-action liability insurance, sort of like your basic “collision” coverage, that would cover you in the event you’re the jerk fucking up the traffic and you get the lawsuit filed against you. The fire department would get paid, the police would get paid, and the people would get paid. There are some kinks to work out - like how you determine who really was caught in the traffic, to what extent you define “caught in traffic,” etc. But the idea’s there. Let’s get on this, people!

Okay, now on to American Idol.

I hate to admit it, but I’m sadly sucked into this show. I’m not even sure why. It’s just interesting, I guess, to see how America rates performers compared to how I would rate them.

I watched it last night, and came to the conclusion that I really, really, really HATE the show’s hosts, Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman. I HATE THEM. They’re like… they’re like two really stupid Bob Sagets. I hate Bob Saget, and I hate these guys. They have zero presence, zero wit, and zero talent. I literally clapped when Simon Cowell told them to shut up last night.

Speaking of Simon, that’s the whole reason I’m thinking of American Idol this morning. People don’t like Simon because he speaks his mind and doesn’t sugar-coat the stuff he says. If he doesn’t like your singing, he’ll tell you straight-up that you sucked. And you know what?

He’s right.

I think there is only one time ever that I’ve disagreed with what he thought of a performer - he liked Ejay Day and I really just don’t like him. Besides that, though, when Simon has said someone did an average job - he was right. When Simon called two of the finalists “losers” (presumably referring to Jim Verraros and AJ Gil), he was dead on.

What I don’t understand is why Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson insist on congratulating the contestants on poor performances. What happens when some lamer wins and then gets ripped a new one by critics? I guarantee the press is not going to be as friendly as the Randy and Paula are. Simon’s just giving it to them straight - I think it’s Randy and Paula that need attitude adjustments. Call it like it is. No use building people up only for them to be torn down later. Cut your losses and move on.

I think I may use the link on Simon’s page to write him an email to tell him he’s right.

Enough on the judges. On to the contestants.

It’s a tough one. I think they do have the best contestants in the running right now, except for Jim Verraros and AJ Gil, who do, in fact, suck donkey. Christina Christian is cute, but the vibrato she’s got going on any note she holds longer than a second is really annoying. EJay Day and RJ Helton are just average as far as I’m concerned. No real presence. Nice voices, but that’s about it. The rest, though… that’s a tough one. I tried to think: having heard them all sing, generally understanding their styles, whose album would I buy if I saw it on the shelf?

I never really came up with an answer for that.

Kelly Clarkson seems like she could easily go country a la LeAnn Rimes, and I really hate country music. She does have a nice voice, though, she’s cute and has a decent style. Maybe.

Tamyra Gray seems like she would go Whitney Houston or maybe even slightly hip-hop. Pending on how catchy it was, I might buy that album. She’s not terribly attractive to me, though, and her overall style is just so-so. Also a maybe.

Justin Guarini has, by far, the best voice of them all. I’m just not sure I can figure out what his style is. It’s almost like he would do well as a 70’s funk throwback, but honestly, he could sing anything and I think he’d do well. I think it’d depend on what sort of album he put out. His look is sort of nondescript, and that’s a problem. I’m not sure how to remedy that, either. I’d probably buy the album.

That leaves my two favorites: Ryan Starr and Nikki McKibbin.

Ryan has a distinct look - she’s hot, she has her own style, and she’s not afraid to show it. Plus, she’s sang a variety of different songs (and genres) throughout the competition and she’s done well at them all. I think she’d do really well in some sort of Bif Naked style band. I’d definitely buy her album.

Nikki is my absolute favorite. She’s got the best overall style and she’s definitely the most original. I like the sort of “rebel” thing she’s got going. She didn’t do too well singing the Motown genre last night, but I think she’ll do way better when they get to something like Alternative Rock. I could see her in a band like Garbage or Hole… but somehow almost more original than that. I dunno. But I’d definitely buy her album. Probably a poster, too, since she’s a total hottie. Something about the hair and the overall look just gets me.