I’m a reasonably easy-going person. Reasonably. And I’m all for folks who want to wear comfortable clothing. I, myself, am not a fashion plate by any means, usually opting for the jeans-and-a-screen-print-t-shirt look.

But there is something about flip-flops that I cannot fucking stand.

The slap-slap-slap of your sheer footwear incompetence echoes through my mind as you meander past. And you must meander, because it is impossible - nay, punishment - for you, the flip-flop wearer (or “flopper,” as you might be called), to move with any purpose. Should that happen, not only would the mindset of the laid-back shoe choice be contradicted, but the sheer physical torture of the harder, more frequent slap-slap-slap against the bottoms of your tender, tender feet would become too much to bear.

No, you must meander. Or you must shuffle, which is just as bad. The inability of many floppers to pick up their feet is something that scientific studies should be written on. Perfectly capable human being one day, utter sloth the next. The transformation is inexplicable.

It only makes it worse that people seem to think that flip-flops are a positive fashion statement of late. You know you’ve seen this one - gorgeous woman walking through the mall, a “10” on any scale, shirt that costs more than you make in a week, pants that fit perfectly, hair done up “just so…” And a pair of God damn flip-flops on her feet.

It’s a good thing I’m not single because flip-flops are grounds for instant disqualification. Flip-flops and smoking. In that order. Thank God Jenn doesn’t smoke and won’t wear flip-flops, I’d have to dump her ass like a used Yugo.

In fact, there are only four acceptable times at which you may wear flip-flops:

1. You’re in the shower at the gym
2. You’re walking on the beach
3. You just escaped from jail and had to steal shoes from the closest convenience store
4. You’re about to get arrested on Cops

All other times - no go. If you’re on the fence, save yourself. There are countless other models of sandal that you can take part in that won’t sacrifice your position in the eyes of humanity. Do not succumb to be a flopper.