Saw a good suggestion from Marty to have a Traffic Asshole of the Week feature, so I’ll start that up and try to keep it going. I usually have no shortage of candidates for the position, so it may be more than once a week. But maybe not. Let’s just try this out and see how she goes, shall we?

The Traffic Asshole of the Week will be anyone who has trouble properly working with their automobile. This could be someone who can’t drive, someone who can’t figure out the rules of the road, or even someone who can’t comprehend the concept of parking.

There were three candidates for Traffic Asshole of the Week just yesterday, so let’s run them down in ascending order.

In third place, and probably in the Traffic Asshole Hall of Fame, are my neighbors, who were, once again, parked in the fire lane and effectively blocking me from my parking spot.

In second place is a guy in a U-Haul truck that I saw on my way home from work yesterday. At the intersection of highways 26 and 217 (for those in the cheap seats, these are two really busy, terrible commuter freeways), there was an SUV parked in the emergency lane with its hood up. U-Haul truck guy, towing a Mercedes behind the truck, decided it would be nice to stop and help SUV guy, so U-Haul guy parks the truck in the fast lane and gets out. As I passed, the U-Haul was sitting there, driver’s door hanging open, with the U-Haul driver talking to the SUV driver. Good job, buddy.

And in first place… I came out of work, ready to go home last evening, when I was greeted with the sight of yet another SUV owner who doesn’t know how to park. Check this shit out:

Hey, doesn’t that look a little close? I thought so, but I figured I’d just sort of squeeze my ass in my door and call it a day. But when I opened my door…

…I found that the guy had actually parked so close that I couldn’t even fit my leg inside. Next time, leave me a fucking can opener, asshole.

This just goes to prove that SUVs are the bane of human existence. Not only are they resource guzzlers, but they are driven by idiots and soccer moms who never go offroad and never actually have to haul anything. (My parents bought his-and-hers Ford Explorers, and they’re well aware of my feelings about that.)

If you’re going to own an SUV, at least learn how to park it. Yes, that may mean you get out of the truck and see that, “Oh, shit, I didn’t park very well.” Get back in the truck and fix it, shithead. “Whoopsie!” and walking into the store (or wherever) doesn’t make it so I can get into my vehicle. Oh, and understand this: Your SUV is not compact, so don’t try to park it in a compact spot. It’s not going to work. Learn to fucking park, or don’t drive the SUV. It’s that simple.